When the best person isn't...
We are almost always attracted to the best person - whether it's a 
new acquaintance, a new employee, a new love interest. We want the best. We search for umph. We want to be impressed and blown away. Often, we meet someoene who sweep us off our feet and get overwhelmed and suddenly we are sure "this is the one." The sad thing is, we find out later it isn't so. Reality sets in, true colors surface and we feel we have been had.
It may sound oxymoronic, but sometimes, the best person isn't.
What do we mean by the BEST? We usually refer to the brightest, the handsomest or prettiest, the strongest - the one with all the positive superlatives - the one with whom we get an emotional connection - the one who wows us, who thrills us - that's the best. We find ourselved drawn to the one that excites us the most. Anything below that standard, we pay no attention to, believing that there's nothing there. We somehow feel that they are not worth our time. In many instances, nothing could be further from the truth.
I have gone to interviews when I was in not at my best. In the late 70's, I did not get the scholarship at Sofia University (Japan) because I was not my usual gregarious self during the process. My grandmother had just passed away and I was not feeling particularly jolly. I aced the written exam and the actual interview but they judged us according to how we were (interacting with former scholars and finalists) before the interview. They chose those who were most outgoing. I wasn't sure they really got the best.
We all have bad days, but it does not make us bad prospects. People tend to judge us by the way we talk, they see rough edges that still need some tending to and think they know us, and they decide we don't amount to anything worth looking into. They also don't know what they missed.
I read an article in the papers recently about the standards some police departments have in hiring. They don't hire the brightest or the top scorers. These bright folks tend to leave. They become too smart for what they are doing or bored or feel they are under utilized. Attrition among this group is high. The second tier may not be as intelligent, they are not dumb. They are smart enough to know what they need to know and what to do. They stay. They do their jobs the best they could. They may never be rocket scientists but they will protect you.
The same is true with finding a mate. We have our ideals. We shoot for the stars. We bypass those who do not meet our standards, and in the process we lose on what could have been the best chance of happiness.
I knew this lawyer who was at the top of her game. After a long day, and the parties and all the other social gatherings, there was no one to come home with or come home to. She eventually found a soulmate in her driver, but she was too embarrased to accept it. Never mind that this man shared her interests, her passions, her life - and for the first time, she really had someone. She hid this relationship from her friends and family. How could she admit that this unsophisticated guy has won her heart? It was just beyond her. She struggled with it. But he loved her and he cared for her just the same. The sad thing is, she was eventually diagnosed with cancer which ultimately killed her. He took care of her with undying dedication to the end. The even sadder thing is, they never married, and although she left him something, the relatives she barely cared for inherited most of her estate. He eventually had to leave LA with a broken heart and virtually nothing else.
The point is, we never know when we will find a diamond in the rough. While it is good to have high standards, it is also important to have our feet on the ground, and look at ourselves in the mirror. We may even find someone who still has quite a bit of polishing to do. Who is the person missing out on us just because we did not show our umph?
So, when your find yourself "underwhelmed" by the person in front of you, don't just give it up. Give it a chance. If you really think about it, sometimes, the best person isn't and the one you least expect is.
Nini's comments:
7/1/07
Hi Phlor,
My nephew has a blog for his little boy and I could post comments on his blog. I want to comment on yours, but I don't see a place to do that. so I'll respond.
I think to equate hiring someone who at the time of the interview shows got potential is difficult to equate with having a relationship. Maybe the similarity only is in the fact that you chose one that at that particular moment you felt was the right person. But a job or a scholarship or winning a contest isn't anywhere close to chosing a partner. With a job, you can always put the person on a probationary period and let them go if they do not meet with th company's expectation. Maybe you're right victory is not always to the best. I won the girl mayor's position in high school because I led the candiadates' forum and was vice-chairman at the best leadership conference at that time. My opponents did not have these opportunities. Maybe they were better than me, but I had more exposure, I was popular. A lot of students have seen me and would believe what I say more than they would my opponents. Jaime Yambao my stronger of the two opponents was scholastically superior to me. He had won awards in math competitions. We both won awards in newspaper writing, he writing sports columns, I writing human interest. We both wrote news but on different subjects. He graduated valedictorian from his high school, I salutatorian. Did the student body really elect the best for girl mayor of Manila in 1961? Maybe not. But for that particular job, those who made me win thought they were voting for the best. did I disappoint some of them? Most probably. I sincerely hope not.
But when it comes to relationship, I think the best does not apply. It is the best fit for me and for that particular time, the love of my life is the best. It is not who or what they are, it is how I see them that makes me love them. How many times have we said,"what does she see in that guy?" She obviously sees something we don't. In your example, I think the lawyer, may she rest in peace, did not love the driver. She loved what he did for her, but not the person. If she did, she would have made it known to everybody about their relationship. and if her so called friends and relatives think the driver is beneath her, then damn them. I don't think. it's not getting any inheritance that broke the driver's heart. It is knowing that till the end, she kept her relationship with him a secret. That to the very end, he gave his dedication and love and she really never accepted it.
I think this is true to any of the choices we make in life. I chose not to marry, but I think it's the best decision for me. Many people do not agree with me and to this day, I still hear that I would have been happier if I had gotten married. ever since I lost my mom, I've not had any one to go home to. In my whole life, I never had that one special person in my life. Some would say that I have a miserably lonely life, But for me--ity's the best life I can have and I would not exchange it for the world.
My niece married a guy, who if it were my standards, would not make a good husband. But she's happy. For her, Jay is the best. We have pointed out his bad traits, but for her those were minor flaws. She's happy, she has a husband and who am I to say she doesn't have the best.
Nini
new acquaintance, a new employee, a new love interest. We want the best. We search for umph. We want to be impressed and blown away. Often, we meet someoene who sweep us off our feet and get overwhelmed and suddenly we are sure "this is the one." The sad thing is, we find out later it isn't so. Reality sets in, true colors surface and we feel we have been had.It may sound oxymoronic, but sometimes, the best person isn't.
What do we mean by the BEST? We usually refer to the brightest, the handsomest or prettiest, the strongest - the one with all the positive superlatives - the one with whom we get an emotional connection - the one who wows us, who thrills us - that's the best. We find ourselved drawn to the one that excites us the most. Anything below that standard, we pay no attention to, believing that there's nothing there. We somehow feel that they are not worth our time. In many instances, nothing could be further from the truth.
I have gone to interviews when I was in not at my best. In the late 70's, I did not get the scholarship at Sofia University (Japan) because I was not my usual gregarious self during the process. My grandmother had just passed away and I was not feeling particularly jolly. I aced the written exam and the actual interview but they judged us according to how we were (interacting with former scholars and finalists) before the interview. They chose those who were most outgoing. I wasn't sure they really got the best.
We all have bad days, but it does not make us bad prospects. People tend to judge us by the way we talk, they see rough edges that still need some tending to and think they know us, and they decide we don't amount to anything worth looking into. They also don't know what they missed.
I read an article in the papers recently about the standards some police departments have in hiring. They don't hire the brightest or the top scorers. These bright folks tend to leave. They become too smart for what they are doing or bored or feel they are under utilized. Attrition among this group is high. The second tier may not be as intelligent, they are not dumb. They are smart enough to know what they need to know and what to do. They stay. They do their jobs the best they could. They may never be rocket scientists but they will protect you.
The same is true with finding a mate. We have our ideals. We shoot for the stars. We bypass those who do not meet our standards, and in the process we lose on what could have been the best chance of happiness.
I knew this lawyer who was at the top of her game. After a long day, and the parties and all the other social gatherings, there was no one to come home with or come home to. She eventually found a soulmate in her driver, but she was too embarrased to accept it. Never mind that this man shared her interests, her passions, her life - and for the first time, she really had someone. She hid this relationship from her friends and family. How could she admit that this unsophisticated guy has won her heart? It was just beyond her. She struggled with it. But he loved her and he cared for her just the same. The sad thing is, she was eventually diagnosed with cancer which ultimately killed her. He took care of her with undying dedication to the end. The even sadder thing is, they never married, and although she left him something, the relatives she barely cared for inherited most of her estate. He eventually had to leave LA with a broken heart and virtually nothing else.
The point is, we never know when we will find a diamond in the rough. While it is good to have high standards, it is also important to have our feet on the ground, and look at ourselves in the mirror. We may even find someone who still has quite a bit of polishing to do. Who is the person missing out on us just because we did not show our umph?
So, when your find yourself "underwhelmed" by the person in front of you, don't just give it up. Give it a chance. If you really think about it, sometimes, the best person isn't and the one you least expect is.
Nini's comments:
7/1/07
Hi Phlor,
My nephew has a blog for his little boy and I could post comments on his blog. I want to comment on yours, but I don't see a place to do that. so I'll respond.
I think to equate hiring someone who at the time of the interview shows got potential is difficult to equate with having a relationship. Maybe the similarity only is in the fact that you chose one that at that particular moment you felt was the right person. But a job or a scholarship or winning a contest isn't anywhere close to chosing a partner. With a job, you can always put the person on a probationary period and let them go if they do not meet with th company's expectation. Maybe you're right victory is not always to the best. I won the girl mayor's position in high school because I led the candiadates' forum and was vice-chairman at the best leadership conference at that time. My opponents did not have these opportunities. Maybe they were better than me, but I had more exposure, I was popular. A lot of students have seen me and would believe what I say more than they would my opponents. Jaime Yambao my stronger of the two opponents was scholastically superior to me. He had won awards in math competitions. We both won awards in newspaper writing, he writing sports columns, I writing human interest. We both wrote news but on different subjects. He graduated valedictorian from his high school, I salutatorian. Did the student body really elect the best for girl mayor of Manila in 1961? Maybe not. But for that particular job, those who made me win thought they were voting for the best. did I disappoint some of them? Most probably. I sincerely hope not.
But when it comes to relationship, I think the best does not apply. It is the best fit for me and for that particular time, the love of my life is the best. It is not who or what they are, it is how I see them that makes me love them. How many times have we said,"what does she see in that guy?" She obviously sees something we don't. In your example, I think the lawyer, may she rest in peace, did not love the driver. She loved what he did for her, but not the person. If she did, she would have made it known to everybody about their relationship. and if her so called friends and relatives think the driver is beneath her, then damn them. I don't think. it's not getting any inheritance that broke the driver's heart. It is knowing that till the end, she kept her relationship with him a secret. That to the very end, he gave his dedication and love and she really never accepted it.
I think this is true to any of the choices we make in life. I chose not to marry, but I think it's the best decision for me. Many people do not agree with me and to this day, I still hear that I would have been happier if I had gotten married. ever since I lost my mom, I've not had any one to go home to. In my whole life, I never had that one special person in my life. Some would say that I have a miserably lonely life, But for me--ity's the best life I can have and I would not exchange it for the world.
My niece married a guy, who if it were my standards, would not make a good husband. But she's happy. For her, Jay is the best. We have pointed out his bad traits, but for her those were minor flaws. She's happy, she has a husband and who am I to say she doesn't have the best.
Nini
posted by PHLOR TORREJOS at 10:46 PM
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